ignorance is bliss

leslie said that i should care less about things, but i'd rather care too much than not care at all? i wish that i didn't care though, avoid all this heartache, feeling guilty when i know i've done something wrong. i'm so naive.

i cut my lip on a broken wine bottle friday night, that was foolish. i'm still irrevocably attracted to you, i dislike it, but i can't stop myself from having the tiniest bit of hope. coldest night for ages, but it wasn't a terrible evening.
saturday, went shopping with the mother, and got some pretty flowers for the evening. then stevenage with marky. it was really nice to see him, it has been far too long. he makes me happy. got the train home by myself, so glad that i had my ipod to block out the noise from people in the train. got home and relaxed for a while, and then set off to lolly's in a happy mood complete with a big bouquet of flowers, chocolates and a birthday card. had a lovely evening relaxed, watching films, girly chats, lots of food; the works.
sunday, left lolly's at about half past one, met gracie and then went to town. met rory for a while, then erin joined us. my mum felt like a rebel for getting mcdonalds on a sunday evening, it was a treat though.

i can't believe i haven't learnt by now. i don't think about the things i say. some of the things i come out with are so selfish, heartless, horrible, just so i feel better about myself prehaps? either way, i don't always mean the stuff i say, and i thought that my friends might've already known that. i've fucked up again though, i've apologised lots of times. and getting the cold shoulder is really upsetting. i can't do much more than apologise? but well done hazel, you've done it again. i'm really scared about losing you two y'know, i just wish that they'd both read this. i've never had such good friends, and its hard to get used to, and its hard sometimes not to go back to how bitchy i used to be. hmmm, i'm really upset about this, i just hope it sorts itself out.
oh, and i know what i'm doing is wrong, i'll sort it out, i promise.

i feel like scrooge; its christmas and i'm so miserable.
so to all those i owe an apology too -

i'm really sorry, honestly.