rain rain go away come again another day

before i start, i'm always complaining about weather; rainy, too hot, icy, snowy, too cold, too windy etc etc, never happy with it. i want summer back please? but yes, rain. rain plus an icey cold wind is just the worst thing imaginable, not only does it mess up your hair with the rain, the wind blows strong against your umbrella, turning inside out, making you look like a complete idiot, and you get wet inevitably. brilliant, espescially when you leave the house looking remotely presentable, and returning looking like you've been dragged through a bush backwards! ;o

i'm not going to write a big long paragraph about my day with brendan and joshy, other than i met brendan's mum. she's very nice, and funny. and brendan makes me very happy face, and brendan and joshy make me laugh so much :')

ALSO. i got a message from izzie today, "i can't hate you forever. friends?" that was all i needed. i replied to her message, explaining how i never meant what i said, and how much i value our friendship. i miss her a lot, and lolly. i hope things get better, maybe using the new year as a new start? to put all the bad things in the past, and start again? i hope so anyway.

new years eve tomorrow, off to brendan's to get very messy with joshy and rafter. new years eve is just another excuse to get drunk, love it. anyway, lots of pictures to be taken, and lots of alcohol to drink, and good times to be shared :D and it's 01:40am, i better do some tidying up, or get up early tomorrow if joshy and brendan are coming over before we go to brendan's tomorrow! laters! x

welllllll

another nice day! except the rain D;
i love my boyfriend, so much. i don't understand how i got such a lovely boy if i'm honest! he's so nice and caring, and he makes me laugh, and i feel so relaxed when i'm around him. not to mention he's gorgeous ;) but i'm happy, soso happy, and i'm glad i have someone as special as him. how soppy :') if my mum read this, she'd probably take the piss even more than she does now! but i love him, and i love her :D i love joshy too, i also feel relaxed around him, and its nice :) oh oh and rafter, because i really want her to know how happy i am that we're better friends, and i want her to know that she can trust me :)

i love how immature me, joshy, brendan and rafter are, if only rafter was with us today :( this was something me and joshy found hilarious:
brendan - "STOP! i have sensitive nipples :("
joshy and i - "ahahahahahaha :'D"
oh, and i drew that today, it was one of our conversations :'))) and as joshy would say:

"SAweeeeet!"

so pretty much a soppy blog today! latersss

i'm so happy

the snow has gone! :D yayayayayay! that means i can go outside and not fear slipping on ice, or having to be careful about some really inconsiderate people throwing snow balls, or in the case of letchworth chavs, ice balls : and it also means i can be out longer to see the friendlings. oh and it also means i can see the boyfriend a lot easier <3

oh and speaking of the boyfriend, i really hope we last. i really really like him :)))) and i know its a bit silly to be feeling this strong an emotion as i do now, and we havent been together long, but i can't help it ^_^ mmmm, just thinking about him makes me smile, and the things he says and does <3 i cant wait until tuesday to see him, and i love how im going to be with him wednesday, thursday and friday too <3 i'm just a bit unsure about some little things, not about him, but about me. i'm worried that my lack of self confidence will put him off, and also, i dont want to come across as clingy. also, i dont know what it is about this relationship, but i actually wanted it :) whereas in the past i thought 'oh yeah i'll just grow to like him' and said yes, just because i didn't want to be alone and really i didn't actually want the relationship. i wanted this, with him. i'm determined not to mess this up, i really am. that sounds pathetic reading it over, but oh well.

i really like how i'm getting a bit closer to rafter, she makes me laugh so much, and im so glad she's finally letting me in, and letting us be better friends. her boyfriend joshy is also lovely, and it's weird how comfortable i feel around him. he makes me feel like i dont need to give a shit about any of the bad things, and just concentrate on the good things :) i dont mind helping him out with his problems at all, i just hope that he would do the same for me if i asked it from him.

i feel like i'm getting closer to lora again, i thought about it the other day, and we've been really good friends since 2008? i think. it seems like so long ago now, but im completely amazed at how i've been able to keep her. i can safely say, we've been through a lot together. yeah, we've have periods of time where we've not been as close, and we've had our arguements, but i love her. she really is one of my best friends, and i'm so happy. we talked the other night about things, and she told me how much she wants us to be close again, and that she loves me. i won't lie, i cried a bit, just because i was happy. how silly right? but it was just the nicest thing to hear after everything. aha.

so that's pretty much all that's going on right now, i'm sitting in my dad's smokey living room, with a makeshift blanket cape. yes, it is strange, but my father decides to have the windows open in the middle of winter : i'm in an alright mood, plenty of chocolate to eat, pepsi to drink, and i have the internet to keep me occupied. my dad's flatmate makes me laugh, he's young, he likes dnb and we have discussions about things, and most of the time we can have a laugh. i think he's the only one of my dad's friends i actually like and can tolerate. i told porygon that my dad likes to watch girly films, and he said that my dad was probably gay. ahahaha, and now he's on the sofa behind me snoring, lovely. i'm just looking forward to getting into my own bed really.

all in all, i'm a happy hazey :) i just have to sort things out with lolly and izzie, because i miss them so much.
see ya!

i never ever think about what i say/write.

not much to say today :)

ahhhh ;| sometimes i want to slap myself round the face so hard.

i love my boyfriend, he makes me so happy! i had a lovely christmas, and i hope everyone else did too!
love for rafter and joshy if they read this <3

i'm going to have fun at the father's this weekend, aha. mmmm and then tuesday i get to see porygon ayayayay <3333
byeeeee!

HAPPY CHRISTMAS

:D

mhmm

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MP5j_Q9CZ3w
that song describes how i feel at the moment, sort of, and i love it :)

i had such a nice day with porygon and joshy yesterday, although me and porygon were left alone in joshy's bedroom when he had a bath for nearly two hours D: oh well, any time i spend with porygon is lovelyyyy <3 i'm not going to see him properly now until new years :(

i love how i was happy for you when you got a boyfriend, but then as soon as i found someone who makes me genuinely happy, you 'don't like him' and you're not happy for me. you haven't met him though have you?

i'm wearing her bracelet today, and 'romeo and juliet - the killers' is playing, and all i wanted to do was tell my two best friends about how happy i was with things. i miss you, and the way we used to be. i'm sorry i ruined everything by saying stupid things. i've cried so much again today, i almost feel like you have forgotten me. and i don't know what i can do to make things better again, if i can even do that. even though i don't show it, i care about you two so much, SOSOSO much. i hate myself for doing the same thing with you two that i've done with previous friendships :(

on a better note, the snow is melting! and have a happy christmas! :)
latersssss

well!

i didn't expect today to go as well as it did!
after meeting rafter late, as usual, we got to stevenage and went to feed the ducks. the geese were eating all the bread, and then some HUGE swan came near us and started chasing us D: but then porygon and joshy came :)
porygon is now my boyfriend :)))))) <3 mmmm, he's so gorgeous, and he's all mine. sosososo happy! didn't want to leave him, but i'm seeing him tomorrow, and then new years. i'm so happy with things, its just perfect :D
oh and i love lora and rafter and joshy for a perfect day <3

and just to annoy rafter and joshy ;DDD

ahhh! >.<

just a quick update:
meeting rafter in a bit, then going to stevenage to see joshy and porygon! had SUCH a good talk wihth joshy last night, i think we'll end up being really good friends. ahhhh i'm sosososo nervous, i just hope everything isn't all awkward although i know it will be because i know i'm going to get incredibly shy. i'm really excited to see him though <3
right, i should get ready if i want to be out on time!
more later!

:) <3

the title of this really does sum me up! i can't stop smiling recently, porygon is sososo undescribable! we have a thing where we try to win at certain things, so far he's leading, but he can't win at everything! :) he's so sweet. i'm really excited to see him wednesday, i hope it goes well because i really want this, like, really really really want this! <3 also, rafter makes me laugh quite a bit, likewise joshy :) yayay! <3 i am incredibly nervous, its hard to trust people nowadays.

the only thing that's bothering me at the moment is what i'm going to do about things with lollie and izzie, personally, i think i need to leave things for a little while, apologise, then leave things again for them to decide because i can't force things, and it really is up to them what happens, right? hmm... oh and the fact my wrist and hand are in pain because of me slipping on ice on saturday, it was swollen, but now it just hurts ;(

but, happy happy happy! looking forward to wednesday with porygon <333

oh, and seeing as i'm feeling so festive and happy, i'd like to declare my love for sammichan, lora, jessjess, kae, lightfoot, erincat, tmel, lele, ellenbot, aciegracie and cydneypurplefish <333

I ALSO FORGOT ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE SNOW <333

i was so scared

i know what i did was wrong, but everyone makes mistakes though right? i wanted to talk to lolly about it, and she said something along the lines of :
"that's what i don't get, if you were my friend, why did you bitch about me?" i said i understood her, and i wasn't going to make up any excuses. i wasn't. she knows i've done it, a lot of other people know i've done it, so what's the point in trying to lie even more? i think this was the right thing to do, of course i want her and izzie back more than anything else in the world, but it's my fault why i've fucked it all up. there's a facebook group, 'you're not sorry because of what you did, you're sorry because i found out', i'm sorry for both of those things. i never learn.
saw marky today, i was scared of going to h-town incase i would see them, and i did. i didn't know what to do, they smiled at me, i didn't know what i was supposed to do? so i blanked them, i kind of smiled, but if i'm honest i just wanted to get away. marky didn't understand what was going on. saw roare today too, he had the cutest red nose i've ever seen in my life ahaha <3

i do not know what i'm supposed to expect, of course they weren't going to say anything to me, i certainly didn't expect them to smile at me. i want to regain their trust in me, because i am honestly lost without them. if that even happens, because at the moment it doesn't seem likely.

6 days til christmas, hope everyone's sorted! i certainly am organised, for the first christmas ever. i think hazel needs to grow up next year, who else agrees? hahaha
byeeeeeee

not impressed

I have to say, I have never laughed so much at a picture like this! >>>

so, update on whatever? school mocks are done, i think i did okay in some subjects, others TERRIBLY. ALSO, 8 DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS!
in other news, i have indeed fucked everything up though, i expected it to at some point. but as usual, its all my fault. i have to say, if you're going to fall out with someone, the cold shoulder is actually the worst thing to do. you should have the decency to tell them what it is that you're annoyed about, and then not talk to them, or actually sort it out. i can't believe i had to read it from a blog, from you of all people. i am not going to lie, i'm not going to say i don't care about this, because i do, a lot. y'know, i thought our friendship was secure, it was the one thing that made me happy all the time. i was wrong, clearly. honestly, i don't set out to ruin things, but i guess that's just what happens when i get involved with things or people. this is really horrible, i don't really know what i should do right now. i was already in a pretty negative mood before all this. i don't deserve this all at the same time, but then again, things have to get worse before they get better i suppose. i don't know how many times i have to say sorry for being such a stupid person?

yay, not looking forward to much apart from the family feeling on christmas day. oh, and getting natalie, mark and laura their christmas presents.

oh, and i dont care if i'm not fun and acting like a scrooge, but i HATE snow. i HATE it. yes, it is pretty to look at or photograph and make things with, but it is too cold and wet and it just gets ruined quickly anyway. not to mention it ruins all plans that involve transport.

another delightful and depressing blog from hazel today, haha.

over and out.

ignorance is bliss

leslie said that i should care less about things, but i'd rather care too much than not care at all? i wish that i didn't care though, avoid all this heartache, feeling guilty when i know i've done something wrong. i'm so naive.

i cut my lip on a broken wine bottle friday night, that was foolish. i'm still irrevocably attracted to you, i dislike it, but i can't stop myself from having the tiniest bit of hope. coldest night for ages, but it wasn't a terrible evening.
saturday, went shopping with the mother, and got some pretty flowers for the evening. then stevenage with marky. it was really nice to see him, it has been far too long. he makes me happy. got the train home by myself, so glad that i had my ipod to block out the noise from people in the train. got home and relaxed for a while, and then set off to lolly's in a happy mood complete with a big bouquet of flowers, chocolates and a birthday card. had a lovely evening relaxed, watching films, girly chats, lots of food; the works.
sunday, left lolly's at about half past one, met gracie and then went to town. met rory for a while, then erin joined us. my mum felt like a rebel for getting mcdonalds on a sunday evening, it was a treat though.

i can't believe i haven't learnt by now. i don't think about the things i say. some of the things i come out with are so selfish, heartless, horrible, just so i feel better about myself prehaps? either way, i don't always mean the stuff i say, and i thought that my friends might've already known that. i've fucked up again though, i've apologised lots of times. and getting the cold shoulder is really upsetting. i can't do much more than apologise? but well done hazel, you've done it again. i'm really scared about losing you two y'know, i just wish that they'd both read this. i've never had such good friends, and its hard to get used to, and its hard sometimes not to go back to how bitchy i used to be. hmmm, i'm really upset about this, i just hope it sorts itself out.
oh, and i know what i'm doing is wrong, i'll sort it out, i promise.

i feel like scrooge; its christmas and i'm so miserable.
so to all those i owe an apology too -

i'm really sorry, honestly.

i bought some orange lucozade, makes me feel better

oh look at marky, he's so beautiful ;) this amused me when i edited this, the resemblance is uncanny, don't you think? ahahaha <3

everything is going to shit at the moment, and its christmas season and i feel so miserable. it's just not cool. i'm going to sound like a typical teenage girl, but i'm so sick of being single. seriously. but when things come up, and they're not exactly what i want, i act like a complete dick about it. also, i'd like to be happy. i'd like to have some money too please.

and also, i am happy for you, but i'm sick of you being so amazing in every single way, and when you stand next to me, i feel like i'm not important anymore. this is why i didn't want the two friend groups to blend, seperate friend groups are better so that i can get away from other people when i need it. now i can't get away, and feel even less important than ever because you're always there. and now you're bringing your friends in too, and this is going to annoy me. i love you so much though, honestly. ugh man, i'm sure you'll know how upset i'll be if the thing i want most with one person, happens with one of your friends. i'd rather have nothing, than watch him get with someone i know well. i'm just fed up of being the last one to be noticed, and always feeling left out. i really wish sometimes i didn't care so much, and i wish i could learn to say no.


NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS:
- find someone special maybe?
- learn to actually say no
- care less
- be less of a bitch
- be less naive about things
- actually revise and get into my desired sixth form
- have a good 16th birthday
- stop biting my nails when i get nervous (a.k.a - all the time)
- lose a little bit of weight to drop a dress size
- keep the wonderful friends i have right now.

well, that's a lot, maybe i'll stick to it. i will try.

hmm

i guess kaeley is right, i DO like him, a little bit. but i might just push that out of my mind.
hm hm so had drama periods 1 and 2 yesterday, then town with tash :) then today humanities mock, then a 4 hour gap, then child development mock. i fell asleep so many times in that exam :|
hmmmmm, pretty good mood, roare makes me happy :)

i miss my lolly though, and i cant wait to go london with her and izzie saturday :D

as mark calls it, today i lived the life of kings

i woke up at about 11, phoned kaeley until about one, ate dinner, watched a film, and fell asleep again. and this is why i am still up at half past 2 on a school night. and i have a drama mock thing tomorrow, LOVELY.

shout out

SHOUT OUT TO MY IZZIE AND LOLLY, I LOVE YOU! thanks for the lovely day out girls, even if i am a moody bitch <3

last night

well, that was interesting? with jadey now though, so i'm happy! <3 went out for a bit, then the weather got terrible. ended up having a nice chat with connell and deany, although i threw up, which was not only embarressing but horrible :| wasn't really feeling the party we went to either, drunk girls EVERYWHERE and chav boys. me and jadey left, came home, got into bed to watch skins and ended up falling asleep :) <3
me and jadey are already up and ready, going to stevo with my babies lolly and izzie and hopefully i'll see marky :)
bye!

so

i can blog at school now? excellent! :D
in chemistry with tash and jo <3
and i cannot be bothered to research all the alkali metals and do a long coursework piece about it.
so glad its friday today and i'm seeing my jadey <3

oh, teahcer's coming! ciao ;D

oh,

but now i think about it, i don't actually hate you. i just miss you, and i get annoyed with you sometimes. just sort yourself out. i know i'm spiteful, nasty and bitchy too. so i apologise for that text, and the stuff i've said.

ooooh

friday tomorrow at last, nowadays all i look forward to are the friday nights. most likely seeing jadeyyy tomorrow so <3 its been far to long! then saturday with marky in stevenage, got some shopping to do, then having jadey stay over probably <3 looks like a pretty good weekend to me?
i think i may go job hunting, even if it means giving up my saturdays. i have no money, and i feel so guilty when i ask my mum all the time.
my rooms a bombsite :| oh, and my coursework final deadline for my already month late coursework is tomorrow, its still not finished. i'm fucked? :|

so in general, good mood :)
though i'd like to voice, and should this person read it, i don't care!
i think i might actually hate you. you're a dick, and at first i was saying, 'yeah she's just changed' you haven't changed, i've just seen the real you. i can't believe how thoughtless you can be, and now i can't be bothered with you seeing as i was always the one to be trying. and saying that, yeah, it was nice while it lasted, but you never really did want to be friends for long did you? just use me for a bit until you got bored of me. one thing that's making me falling out with you a lot sweeter, is that your 'best friend' and i are a lot closer than we used to be, and feel free to be pissed off with her cause she sees me outside of school, but she has true friends, and she wont stop being friends with people that she's met through you just because you say so. so shut up, or sort yourself out. i'll give you another chance?

i'm sick of being single. and i've missed lora <3
that's my update for today, ciao!

i hate winter + rant

first blog, just trying this out to see if i'll like it. lets take a look at my life at the moment...
so, i'm five foot six, blonde, and i'm not dead skinny. i'm 16 soon, and sososo lazy its unbelievable. i don't think i've ever been in such a bad mood until recently. i'm stressed out with the amount of coursework and revision being given to us at school, i found out something so terrible about my dad, and if i'm honest i really don't know what is going on with my life at all. i live in the first garden city, but i'm never ever there, and i can't wait to finish school and get away to hitchin and do my a-levels. so i think i want to do psychology, english lit/lang, drama and either sociology or biology. that's even if i pass my gcse's. mocks in the next two weeks, wahoo.

the weirdest thing is that people come up to me, and go "are you the hazel that did blahblah" or similar, and so you probably have heard about me before you've met me :| i'd also like to mention that i've had enough of people's shit. i've grown up a lot this year. i'm tired of people being immature and starting petty arguements. i hate winter, i've hated this year, lets hope i have a better year next year. i've given up on all of the male species. and to those who do know about my personal life, it's been 8 months and i'm pleased about that. i have my lolly, who is actually the best friend i could ever ask for, and she is my wife, i just wish i saw her more often because she's always grounded it seems, but i fucking love her, and admire her. and kae, my newer best friend, we clicked, there was just something about her, i can see us getting closer than we already are <3.>on a last note, 23 days until christmas, and no shopping done as of yet :| and 79 school days left until real study-leave.

oh yeah, my kitten is the best.