this really is getting ridiculous

enough said really.

also, you know who you are. i hope you read this too:
honestly, i would neverrrr do that to you. and i'm sorry it happened, but i had no control over what happened. i'm sorry, and i really don't want you hating me. i didn't tell him to do anything. i can't handle you hating me too, i really value your friendship, and i'd never be that horrible to you. i hate this, i really do.

loving joshy's flat with brendan and jadey <3

moany blog at quarter to ten

child development is a subject which i enjoy, but like all others, it has become a subject where i'm stressedstressedstressed. i'm behind, and i've been told if i don't keep up with the work, or get it finished, i'll be put on the lower tier. that means, goodbye possibility of getting an A ¬_¬
hmm, i can tell that this day is going to crawl along like a snail on a dry surface. i don't know what emotion i'm feeling right now, its a mixture of stress and upset.
i need to see jadey more than anyone else right now, she really makes me relax. i just need to have a chat with marky later, because i don't know what's going on inside his head.
ouch. my lip has split on the bottom, in the middle, and it keeps bleeding. its sososo sore. great :(

also, i want to see izzie and lolly again this weekend, i need to fix this. i'm happy when i'm with them.

LONG. that's the right word, today is going to be long...

also, brendan is quite important <3

lyrics in my head: "i won't be the one to dissappoint you, anymore. and i know i've said all this, and that you've heard it all before. the trick is getting you to think this was your idea. and that this was everything you've ever wanted out of here. love's not a competition, but i'm winning."

really had enough of being put down

self conscious already, i don't need to be put down even more. i know it's a pathetic little insult, but to me, to be called fat is really upsetting. it has been imprinted in my mind that i am. i don't need this. i don't believe it when people tell me i'm not, its like been tattooed into my brain. i can't help but think now how pathetic this blog sounds. i just want to be skinnier, to be prettier, for people not to pick on me anymore. i want to achieve personal happiness, which i wont get until i improve my self image. sometimes i start to feel good about myself, i like being curvy, and then people bring me back down again. i really wish i didn't feel like i have to please people all the time. a couple of weeks ago, a girl i don't even know decided to insult me, saying that i was 'weighing down the planet' petty, but it hurts. and then today, i hadn't even insulted the person, i thought she was my friend. but she decided to have the decency to tell me that people were calling me fat behind my back. it just makes me feel fucking brilliant, y'know. and a stupid prick in my drama class shouted it at me earlier, and the whole class laughed at me, and the teacher felt like she had to defend me. i'm so sick of everyone putting me down, making me feel so horrible, and making me genuinely hate myself. i hate life, i hate people. i hate everything. fuck it, i cant wait to get wankered tomorrow.

i need my best friend, and i need to stop fucking crying. grow up hazel. grow up. grow up. grow up.

'sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me.' - FUCKING BULLSHIT.

i've blogged too many times in the space of 4 hours.

everytime brighton is even mentioned, i ache. i shouldn't still feel like this, but the feelings i had for you were so strong, and you hurt me so much. i just want you back, but i'm going to have to get over the fact you are never going to be a part of my life again. i still think about when i came all the way to brighton to see you, ignoring my friends advice on not going, and lying to my mum. and i had the best times, you were my release, where i could get away from all the stress of life in letchworth, and relax at your flat on the seafront. i miss everything about you, and i mean everything. it makes me upset thinking about how we fell out, and how much you hurt me. i don't know what to think. why did we have to stop being a part of eachother's lives? yeah, you're 21 now, and i'm 15. but we shared something special, and no one else i've met even compares to you in the slightest. thank you so much for everything, because you have shaped the person i am today in a good way; made me grow up a lot, and see the world from a different perspective.







but i still want you back. i still hurt, and i ache. and i want you to make it all better. i was in love with you.

also

I MISS KAE :(

gaygaygay

i hate being in school, today is the first day i've been in since last monday, and last wednesday morning for my science exams. urgh, it was so much effort trying to get up this morning. but i managed to be able to get up, have a shower, and be early to meet natalie in the common at twenty-past eight. it was nice to sit on the bench and have a cigarette, and chat :)
but as usual, i was late for class and had to walk into a room where most of the people in it stared at me. lets just hope i get a text from brendan at some point today, that will make me feel better. i'm just not looking forward to all the work i'm going to get.

i love brendan <3
and my physics, chemistry and biology lot xxxxxxxxxxxxx

i love you i love you i love you

• brendan, you are the best boyfriend i've ever had. i do love you a lot, more than you think. you are perfect :))))
• joshie, i care about you so much, even though you make me worry. and you're one of the nicest and funniest people i've ever had the pleasure to meet.
• jadey, you're so nice. and all i want is for you to be happy, because you deserve it.
• lolly, even though i've let you down in the past, you still have the ability to forgive me. i admire that. you're such a good actor, and i don't know what it is about you, but you put me in such a good mood when i'm with you.
  
• izzie, you're beautiful. you also have forgiven me when i've let you down. i can't thank you any more. i've missed you so much.
• lora, just for being there for the past 2years +. i love you so much, i trust you more than anyone else, and you make me laugh so much that i cry.
• ellenbot, tmel, lele, acie gracie and cydbarneyney, just for being there for the past nearly 3 years through school. you make me laugh so much with the things you say, i love your company more than most. thank you for making school bearable x
  
• sammichan, because you're hilarious. we see things in the same way, and i love it. i just wish we saw eachother more.
• marky, you're my boy best friend. i can tell you anything, and i know i'll get an honest answer. i love you, your ability to make me feel good after talking to/seeing you, and the way you make me laugh.

enough said really? :3

everybody.

everybody:

• hurts
• cries
• lies
• laughs
• makes mistakes
• loves
• hates
• argues
• smiles
• regrets

everybody is different, but also the same. and i'm so sick of reading things, and people preaching to me. you can fuck right off. i'm me, right? no one else. i do what i want, when i want. and everyone should share this attitude to a certain point.
i'm sick of people thinking they're better than everyone else, because of their 'good looks', or because of the amount of money they have, or the amount of 'friends' they have on facebook or in person. i'm not saying i haven't been like this at a point, but i grew up, and grew out of it, whereas there are still people who haven't. GET OUT OF YOUR OWN, AND EACHOTHERS ARSES ALREADY. i don't care, if you're pretty. i don't care if you have a gazillion friends on facebook and myspace. i don't care how many people you've had sexual relations with. i don't care how much money you have. i don't care who did what, and how shocking it is. I DON'T FUCKING CARE, ALRIGHT?
my friends, are my friends, and my friends are amazing. my friends are funny. my friends are lovely. my friends aren't shallow. my friends are individuals. my friends are bitchy sometimes. my friends are there for me. my friends are argumentative. but most of all, my friends are not perfect and i wouldn't have it any other way.

i think someone out there hates me with a passion.

i mean this is not fair. i'm suffering here. here's my list of reasons why i haven't been at school for four days:
- cystitis
- stomach bug
- headaches
- sore throat
- hot and cold temperature
- sore back
- dizzy spells where i nearly faint
AND i'm on the crimson wave, to just top it all off. ha. that can't be fair, all at once? hahaha

here's some lyrics, i feel they're relevant to me and some of my friends :)

'we're definately going to hell, but we'll have all the best stories to tell. yes i'm definately going to hell, but i'll have all the best stories to tell' - frank turner

gooooooooooooodbye

p.s: i really really really really want this weekend to go well, i haven't been the same without lolly and izzie. fingers crossed, and wish me luck guys?

p.p.s: TO MY LOVELY FOLLOWERS: it's nice to know you like reading my blog, so thank you, i know my blogs aren't the most interesting, and i moan a lot, but it means a lot all the same!

procrastination

i wasn't well monday when i got home from school, so i was allowed tuesday off. and while a part of me was happy that i could relax, another part of my mind was telling me to do some science revision. yeah, it was just a tummy bug, but it wasn't making me bed-bound. i basically layed on the sofa and watched tv all day. and now, as it is 00:06am and my exam is in approximately 9 hours, i haven't done any revision. i also have coursework outstanding, also not even looked at. i know i'll regret this. i need to pull my finger out and work this term, for my own benefit and not anyone elses. i sound like my teachers and my mother.

ugh, you know, i just want to curl up in a ball, cover myself with a warm blanket, and hibernate. i'm looking forward to valentine's day though, apparently brendan's taking me out to dinner. how cute!

ALSO! veryyyyy good news on the izzie and lolly front! i'm seeing them saturday in stevenage, after i've picked up. then hopefully seeing lolly and gracie in quizzical with alexy :) should be a good weekend!

ciao x

lazy hazey

that is all.

also,

i'm really really sick of people still walking over me and picking on me? i'm going to update this later ;
i miss my boyfriend :( <3

chloe just told me a joke...

what do an old lady and a pork pie have in common?
you both have to peel off the crust, then lick off the jelly to get to the meat.


i laughed so much, but it made me die a bit inside when she told me >.<
hahahahahahaha

i'm going to look so different

i'm getting my hair cut on saturday, so that i have a box fringe ;o
and then i'm dying my hair brown too. i'm going to look so weird!

in science again

with tash and jo <3
in physics first, we saw damien's orange boxers, it was quite funny :')
now we're in biology, 5minutes until break time, and my stomach is rumbling like there is no tomorrow. i have english after break, then art, lunch then drama. what a fun filled day?
i hope brendan is okay, because he was really stressed, upset and worried last night. and i hope he did okay in his exam he had earlier. i love you, just cause i know he'll read this :')))) <3

BYE

i really hope that i can see some people soon.

but as much as i love spending time with brendan, i cant help but think i'm neglecting my friendships a bit. soooo, next weekend if lolly, izzie and maybe gracie are free, i could spend some time with them. i also need to see natalie at some point outside of school. and i DEFINATELY need to see lora more <3

not impressed

i'm in a down mood again. i still miss lolly, izzie and gracie incredible amounts, and if i'm honest, i don't think i'll be completely at ease and happy. it plays in the back of my mind still, it will have been a month on tuesday. and i am quite aware we haven't spoken since the 12th of december. i hate this. i just want things back how they were, when i'd see you every single weekend without fail, and i could phone you if i was upset, and i'd look forward to seeing you because things were the best with you. i hope that things will go back to that at some point in the future. izzie, lolly, i hope you read this. i need you, and i haven't ever depended on two people so much in my life. even if i'm not yours, you're both still my best friends, and i'm not the same without you.

i don't think i have ever laughed so much in my life.

at a mole. i love brendan, and his mole. me and joshy have a theory, that his mole is malignant, is a tumor, and will grow. and once it gets to a certain size, we'll put funny faces on it. it will soon learn to speak, and will soon replace brendan. brendan will no longer be the main focus of attention and brendan's friends will come over and ask to see the mole instead. "hey mole, coming out today? try and leave that brendan kid behind if you can.." me and josh are still laughing, and everytime we stop, someone says "oh my mole" and we laugh all over again. also, this made us cry, and josh spit out his drink all over my bag:

"i believe in a thing called lol,
just listen to the rhythm of my mole,
there's a chance that it might grow,
we really really dont want it to go,
I BELIEVE IN A THING CALLED LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!
oooooOOOOoooooOOO mole"

oh yeah, and rafter needs to come out more, and bully the mole.






















BRENDAN I DO LOVE YOU, even if i bully you <33333



P.S ditto josh

this is to samantha dudley

i love you sammichan, samalam,
even though you don't eat ham.
vegetarian, i couldn't do it,
you're smaller than most, just a bit.
when we're together, we act like dicks,
and espescially like to talk about who are pricks.
so don't go away, you give me jokes,
also, you're on my facebook pokes.
i don't see you enough,
though when i do, i look rough.
i hope you get what you want,
and you have quite a cool messenger font.
i'm running out of rhyming words,
and this is the best poem you've ever heard.
so,
i love you sammichan, samalam,
even though you don't like ham.

pahahahaha

i love marky

wish i saw him more x

haaazel says:
do you think dark brown hair will suit me?
(bah) markk goes moooooooooooo says:
i swear you ask me this like every couple of months?

____

i'm feeling pretty down today. i dislike snow. i wanted to go to school today, instead i ended up waking up at 2pm and laying around on the sofa downstairs for the rest of the day. i miss a lot of people. and bits of my life, mainly this:

so i used to live in larne, county antrim, northern ireland. it was beautiful, but cold most of the time. i moved from stevenage to there when i was about 10 because my mum and dad wanted a change, and it would be nearer to my dad's family. i wish we hadn't of moved. i had to make new friends, and i had a strong english accent, completely different to their northern irish one. being there for four years, i had put on weight due to stress, getting me teased and picked on even more. but i lived through it, because my mum was there for me <3 i miss my cousins, olivia, daisy, christopher, heather and james. i liked the closeness of our family, and being back here in letchworth, i don't have that. we had a beautiful three-story victorian terrace house, and my mum and dad had spent so much money restoring it from ruins. the house was very near a large park, and then beyond that the promenade and sea. and then my mum split-up with my dad, and my world came crashing down. i can remember those two days, sitting on the landing while i heard my mum asking my dad about the divorce papers. getting into bed and crying myself to sleep. when i woke up the next morning i didn't get out of bed, my eyes were red raw and i still cried, i don't know how i could cry that much. and then my mum came to check if i was okay, and the crying started again, and my dad came in and he was crying. it was the worst thing i've probably experienced. and i bet you're reading this like 'why would she put this on her blog' well, it's because its important to me. and so, my mum, brother and i packed up our stuff, and moved to letchworth to live with my nan.

i thought things would never get better, and obviously they did, but it still makes me upset to think about what happened. i really hate when i get all melancholy like this. i don't like it at all. i'm going to go comfort eat again. hmm...

also

i miss izzie, lolly and gracie. a lot.

my eyes are really sore

and apparently its snowing, according to live feed of facebook. i'm going to stay on my bed, and snuggle up and hope it hasn't snowed. fingers crossed that i wake up and there is no white stuff off the ground! thing is, i WANT to be at school, i can't afford to have days off this year. and i would prefer if the snow would just melt, and not get compacted and iced over. its a danger hazard, and it will ruin my weekend plans. not good.

also, people really irritate me. so i'm looking at prom dresses, i'm going for a midnight blue.

oh i really love brendan, and joshy <3

goodbye 2009.

so, 2009, what a year really, but this was a good year, despite the bad things. i met some brilliant people, and stayed friends with some. i partied until the sun had risen. i drunk so much that i passed out. i made myself feel one minute on the top of the world, and then the next lowest of the low with drugs i once said i'd never touch. i smoked like a chimney. i had relationships with people who i'm not friends with now, but i wouldn't have it any other way. i had one night stands. i made mistakes, lots and lots of mistakes. i even questioned my sexual orientation. i kept friends, lost friends. i cried, laughed, sang, regretted, bitched, loved, hated, relaxed, stressed out, argued, trusted and betrayed, but i'm so glad i did.

so, i'm entering 2010, not completely satisfied with everything, but happy. i have a gorgeous boyfriend, and i'm determined to make this relationship last. also, i have some amazing friends, and i love them although i dont show it sometimes. my new years resolutions, although i probably not stick to them, are:
- to work harder this year for my gcse's.
- to think about what i say.
- and to have a more positive attitude, because things turn out better that way.

so, after spending new years eve getting drunk at brendan's with joshy and rafter, helping look after brendan's sister new years day, and having a day with brendan, joshy and rafter at joshy's, i'm in a lovely mood. let's just hope that this good mood lasts :)